In the wee small hours of the morning.

I can't believe it's already October 21 (1am - really, Lara?).  I swear it was New Year's just a couple of months ago, and yet winter, spring, and summer have all come and gone. 

Looking back I'm realizing that a lot of things have happened this year.  Or at least a couple of really life-changing things that make me want to see a therapist for the rest of my life.  But luckily some really wonderful and simple things have happened, too, that balance out all the drama a little bit.  It just happened so fast, and I feel months behind.  I guess time just doesn't even give a rip and keeps right on ticking along even though it feels like we've stopped.  That must be how it's almost November and I hardly noticed.

Anyway.

I really have done a lot of self-evaluating this week.  I saw this poster within the past week that kind of hit the nail on the head: Sometimes on the way to the dream you get lost and find a better one.  

Drat.

No, but seriously: drat!  It kind of puts a kink in all my plans.  Like tour team next year?  I've made it this far, so I'll probably just keep going and put in a year, but I just really feel that there are other more important things that I need to be focusing on right now.  I wish I could explain it in less than 1,000 words, but I just don't think I can, so if you want to know, come talk to me because I've been thinking about it for a while.  And beyond dance?  My major is really great.  And you know how I usually just want to up and ditch Provo?  I'm actually strangely okay with being here (I know, I know... it's not Seattle).  Oh, and because I'm being honest, some wonderful man showed up in the picture for a while, which has kind of changed things, too (emphasis on "kind of").

Anyway.  Things have changed/are changing.  You get the picture.

Before ending this long string of thoughts that nobody really cares about but me, I want to put a plug in for alone time.  As I said in the last post, I'm an introvert, so being alone is something that I really enjoy and need sometimes, but some people really can't stand being alone.  This week I have been especially tired, though, emotionally and physically, so I've spent all of my extra hours alone.  Just... thinking.  I've taken a few long walks, enjoying the rest of the warm weather before we enter the never-ending winter that Utah seems to think is great.  Spending time alone is kind of difficult, though, because you really have to face the facts and get to know yourself.   It can be exhausting, but it's so worth it.  I actually totally crashed today for four hours in bed feeling pretty sick, and yet I still feel like I'm in a better place than I was a week ago.

Well, anyway.  I'll let ya know when I figure out what I'm going to do, because I really don't know what's going to happen.  I just know that things have changed and all of the sudden I'm aching for a life I never even considered.   

Now I'm going to bed because it's far and beyond past my bedtime (whoops!).  Goodnight!

- - - 

"Every person's life is a fairytale written by God's fingers." ~ Hans Christian Anderson

"As a mortal being, you are limited.  As a child of God, you are unlimited."

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.” ~ Victor Hugo

"Character is not cut in marble; it is not something solid and unalterable.  It is something living and changing." ~ George Eliot [Marry Anne Evans] (from Middlemarch)

"Do small things with great love." ~ Mother Teresa

"Courage is the human virtue that counts most - courage to act on limited knowledge and insufficient evidence.  That's all any of us have." ~ Robert Frost

"Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers any more. Only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal." ~ C. S. Lewis from Shadowlands