"It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier healthier life. As children we are told to smile, be cheerful, and put on a happy face. As adults we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your hope can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in these moments, when you just want to get real, drop the act, and be your true scared unhappy self."

I talk about my dad all the time.  He's in my tweets, he's on my facebook, he's all over my blog, he was in my college application essays and is in some of my college papers.  I'll bet more than a couple of people are annoyed.  But the thing is, he is my dad.  I did a lot of my growing up while he was sick, and since he's been gone.  It's hard not to think about him when I think about myself, because I know that so much of how I am now is greatly due to how my dad was and the things he taught.  I mean, I know it's me that chooses how to act and how to deal with things, but he basically gave me opportunities to try myself.  Or, rather, God did.

It's a tough thing, trying to figure out why it all happened.  I can easily look at pictures of my dad and want to punch something.  It honestly just sucks.  Spencer was four when our dad died, and he still cries sometimes.  Nathan had nightmares every night for a while.  I even have nightmares about him still, and the sad part is that I look forward to them just so that I can see him again and remember what his voice sounds like, because I forget.  I feel like I should be over all of this, but the sad truth is that I'm not really.  Sometimes I'd rather go back to 2006 and be with my Nelson family, and give up my life right now.  It would just be so easy.  But I can't.  It's just that so much (too much) happened in such a short period of time that I feel like I'm still trying to recover.  This is just a long rant now about how much I don't understand why things happened the way they did, and I don't know where I'm going with it...  I can't even tie it up with a "I know this happened because..." or "I've become better...".  Sometimes I'm good at looking on the bright side and finding the silver lining, but other times I just get so sick of pretending like things are better than they are.  Sometimes I mean it and sometimes I fake it.  Tonight, I don't feel like doing either.

Tonight, I am sad because my dad died.  I am sad because he went through hell and back.  I am sad because my siblings don't get to grow up with him.  I am sad because home has a different meaning.  I am sad because I can't talk to him.

I know tomorrow I'll be fine and the sun will come out, but tonight I'm a little bit sad.  Hmmmm..... life.