“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come."

It's raining right now.  Actually, it's pouring.  The sky is dark and the rain is pounding on the roof.  It's one of my favorite things in the entire world, and I've missed it terribly while at university.  Green, lush, beautiful, rainy, dark Washington.  This is what home has been for me for almost twenty years.  But now I'm sitting on what was once my bed, now my sister's, and I'm beginning to realize that this isn't where I belong.  It's only been two weeks since I got back, with hopes of maybe staying till school starts again at the end of August, and now I'm buying a plane ticket from SEA to SLK.  

I want to stay because it's Washington and because I have a few close friends here who I don't get to get the rest of the year.  I want to stay because my younger siblings are amazing, and... I don't get to see them the rest of the year.  I want to stay to enjoy my mom's delicious cooking.  I want to stay because I like having a car to drive.  I want to stay because I don't really like Provo.  But, being here and not doing a thing doesn't help anyone, especially me.  Hanging out with Hannah and living in her room distracts her from her responsibilities, and the same goes for the little boys.  Living in the back with Stephanie means fighting and the urge to punch something, no offense.  I'm just realizing that as much as I want to be here for myself and for my siblings, the best thing for them is to not be here, because I'm not being any sort of great example sitting on my rear all day.  Besides, I'm not happy here.  My brother was never happy while he was home on extended breaks, and neither is my sister.  I prefer not to sink into that mess of a rut, so I'm running while I can.  And we all know that unhappy siblings lead to more unhappy siblings so if I want to be a good sister, I must go.  Right?  Right.  

Have a mentioned that Ryan can't handle not having me close by?  Yeah, well... he can't.  I'm kinda his best friend and I'm going to be his best man at his wedding someday (well, still trying to convince him of that).  It's why we've both signed contracts at the same apartment for next year.  Again.  So, another good reason to go back.

(At this point I'm just trying to lay out reasons to stay and go, and going is definitely winning at this point - just a bunch of rambling, I know.)

Oh, and I only packed a few outfits because the car was packed on the way down.  I'm out of clothes, and being out of clothes sucks.  I'm a frump.  Call me Frump-a-Dump.

So, here I am, after wanting to come back for months and months, and I'm leaving again.  Sister Parks tells me just about every time I see her that life is about learning, and she's right (as always).  It's like it won't stop.  I thought I was going to have a break from learning once school was over, but no... here I am, learning more about myself.  And as we all know, learning can be difficult and painful.  Not saying this is necessarily painful, but it's not really easy either.  So, I'm learning.  I'm learning and leaving.  I'm going to go make my life happen.  

But.... don't worry, I'll be back for more visits.  Gig Harbor/Seattle might not be my home home anymore, but it will always be my hometown.  Provo isn't really home home, either, more like an in between port.  Home is still in the to-be-determined stage, but that's growing up.  But then again, home is where the heart is, so maybe I just need to figure out where to put my heart.  Now this is just getting confusing.  Moral of the story: it's okay to not know where one belongs.  

Over and out.

xxL