Proof that writing helps.
Sometimes I just want to SCREAM and YELL and then just sit on my couch and cry. Like.... right now. I'm going to be honest right now: life absolutely just sucks right now. A lot. I seriously was on the verge of tears all night. Literally everything I do or have is just ripping me apart. Family, dance, school.... I seem to be failing tragically. Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Way to go, Tom. I'm glad you have a great attitude about failing, but I'm still trying to learn how to be okay with myself when I look in the mirror.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a super insecure depressed being. I promise. I actually really am bothered by those people who are overly sensitive and alway seem depressed about life or about how they aren't married yet, or something ridiculous. Well, I guess we are all that way sometimes, but I am generally a pretty happy person. This last week+ has plummeted, though. Going home was great and all, but a lot came up and I guess that I am just still trying to work through some things. I want to move on, I want to be okay and not dwell on the past, but a little thing like watching my Dad's memorial slideshow brings it all back to the surface and I lose it. I end up angry and sobbing. I don't know what to do or why I still feel these things. Burying emotions only lasts for so long, then eventually they burst through and then everything is a mess all over again. It's annoying. I realize this is all a little bit vague, but trust me.... you don't want to know the details.
That's family, but do you want to know about dance? Well, I can't. And by that, I mean that I can't dance. I have never performed so terribly in my entire life. I had important possible future partners watching as I killed it, over and over again. Sadly, it wasn't really all my fault. I just need a new partner (thus the "possible future partners" bit). It's stressful. I want to progress, and I know I have a lot, but it's so competitive here that my progression alone isn't going to help much. Do you know how many people are trying to get onto teams and trying then to move up to back-up and tour? Lots. I know I am capable of doing it, and I have been told repeatedly by multiple people that the only thing that would stop me from getting on tour is if I stopped dancing (which isn't going to happen because I go crazy when I stop dancing). So it's not like I think I'm a failure there, it's just that finding good partners is close to impossible and if I don't find a good partner and do well in competitions then I'm not going to move up to back-up.... it's a tragic cycle of stress. Well, at least I still love to dance. But man, my feet are killing right now. Five hours of dance + walking around in 4" heels? For what? To make my legs look great in a skirt?
(But seriously, I really do look fantastic in a little black skirt and some heels...)
Though things are crazy and make me cry, I'm actually not doing too horribly. For once in my life I'm not worrying about guys, but that's probably just because I've given up for good. I'm at BYU, that's also good. I have really great friends that I live with, that's a life saver. I have great food in my kitchen, and I bake regularly. There is snow on the ground outside. I have a little Christmas tree named Charlie. Keri ordered pizza. The new GQ Style Manual for 2010 is sitting on my coffee table (Ryan's letting me borrow it). I have friends who come over with my absolute favorite ice cream in the world (Ben and Jerry'sCoffee Heath Bar Crunch) and smiles on their faces. I'm sitting indian style on my super comfy couch. My makeup dark and smoldering, and my hair is curly and shiny. I am wearing the most comfortable sweats in the world that make me feel skinny, and I'm wearing a men's Haynes t-shirt. I am drinking delicious wassail. Let's be honest, men want me, but they're just way too intimidated by me. Well... not really, but that's just another thing I like to think that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
See? Life is good, but today everything just really hit the fan and that's okay. I know it's okay to be upset for a while, because I know that I'll be good again soon. I'll figure everything out, I'll be bouncy again in no time, I'll be on the road to something great. I honestly do know that all these trials (so cliche, but so true), sucky though they may be, actually do make me better if I choose to let them, and so far... well, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. Heavenly Father wouldn't put me through this if He didn't love me, and I know that for certain. I'm not alone, and that is a huge comfort. Ryan, my awesome brother (if you haven't already memorized that name), once said that "the sun is always shining above the clouds." He was so right.
"Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you." (Edmond Dantes, The Count of Monte Christo, by Alexandre Dumas)
I'm going to listen to some feel good music, I'm going to clean my kitchen (because I actually do love cleaning a lot, strange as it may be), and I'm going to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow ready for whatever hits. You know why? Because I am me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a super insecure depressed being. I promise. I actually really am bothered by those people who are overly sensitive and alway seem depressed about life or about how they aren't married yet, or something ridiculous. Well, I guess we are all that way sometimes, but I am generally a pretty happy person. This last week+ has plummeted, though. Going home was great and all, but a lot came up and I guess that I am just still trying to work through some things. I want to move on, I want to be okay and not dwell on the past, but a little thing like watching my Dad's memorial slideshow brings it all back to the surface and I lose it. I end up angry and sobbing. I don't know what to do or why I still feel these things. Burying emotions only lasts for so long, then eventually they burst through and then everything is a mess all over again. It's annoying. I realize this is all a little bit vague, but trust me.... you don't want to know the details.
That's family, but do you want to know about dance? Well, I can't. And by that, I mean that I can't dance. I have never performed so terribly in my entire life. I had important possible future partners watching as I killed it, over and over again. Sadly, it wasn't really all my fault. I just need a new partner (thus the "possible future partners" bit). It's stressful. I want to progress, and I know I have a lot, but it's so competitive here that my progression alone isn't going to help much. Do you know how many people are trying to get onto teams and trying then to move up to back-up and tour? Lots. I know I am capable of doing it, and I have been told repeatedly by multiple people that the only thing that would stop me from getting on tour is if I stopped dancing (which isn't going to happen because I go crazy when I stop dancing). So it's not like I think I'm a failure there, it's just that finding good partners is close to impossible and if I don't find a good partner and do well in competitions then I'm not going to move up to back-up.... it's a tragic cycle of stress. Well, at least I still love to dance. But man, my feet are killing right now. Five hours of dance + walking around in 4" heels? For what? To make my legs look great in a skirt?
(But seriously, I really do look fantastic in a little black skirt and some heels...)
Though things are crazy and make me cry, I'm actually not doing too horribly. For once in my life I'm not worrying about guys, but that's probably just because I've given up for good. I'm at BYU, that's also good. I have really great friends that I live with, that's a life saver. I have great food in my kitchen, and I bake regularly. There is snow on the ground outside. I have a little Christmas tree named Charlie. Keri ordered pizza. The new GQ Style Manual for 2010 is sitting on my coffee table (Ryan's letting me borrow it). I have friends who come over with my absolute favorite ice cream in the world (Ben and Jerry's
See? Life is good, but today everything just really hit the fan and that's okay. I know it's okay to be upset for a while, because I know that I'll be good again soon. I'll figure everything out, I'll be bouncy again in no time, I'll be on the road to something great. I honestly do know that all these trials (so cliche, but so true), sucky though they may be, actually do make me better if I choose to let them, and so far... well, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. Heavenly Father wouldn't put me through this if He didn't love me, and I know that for certain. I'm not alone, and that is a huge comfort. Ryan, my awesome brother (if you haven't already memorized that name), once said that "the sun is always shining above the clouds." He was so right.
"Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you." (Edmond Dantes, The Count of Monte Christo, by Alexandre Dumas)
I'm going to listen to some feel good music, I'm going to clean my kitchen (because I actually do love cleaning a lot, strange as it may be), and I'm going to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow ready for whatever hits. You know why? Because I am me.
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