I just don't know what to do with myself...

i’m in a puddle right now...  trying to figure out what i need to do.  but i’m stuck in this puddle without a clue as to what’s next.  i have goals in dance.  i love dance.  but what about life?  what am i going to do?  what am i going to major in?  am i going to go on a mission?  will i ever find someone to really love?  will i get my four bedroom house complete with children, dogs, hardwood floors and a wrap-around porch?  just kidding.  kinda...

i’ve just been a little off.  i don’t know what it is.  maybe it’s because i don’t know what to do.  maybe it’s because i don’t feel like i’m fighting for anything.  for years i’ve fought.  i’ve fought for dad, for my family here and there, to get here, and i’ve fought for my own love.  now… i have nothing to fight for.  or maybe i do.  maybe i'm fighting for it right now and i don't even realize it.

you know what?  i am, i realize it now.  i'm fighting to know.  i just need to know.

i feel like i used to be this especially strong girl, full of hope and something else.  but now….. now i just feel like crying.  all that time i spent being strong has all of the sudden made me weak.  weak and watery.  there really was a point when i could easily look in the mirror and know that i was special, and that maybe i had something different to offer.  for some reason i don't feel that way half the time now.  it's probably just because i'm /surrounded/ by incredible people.

i’m fine, though.  it's just an adjustment.  i’ll get the hang of this soon, and maybe i’ll even figure out what i’m supposed to do with my life.  i will.  promise.